honest lies

2009-04-06T06:46:00.000-07:00

i reached out my hand to the sun

but my shadow just fell across my face

2009-03-26T08:13:00.001-07:00

"What do you do at home?"

"that, i have to take off my tie to tell you."

a thought

2009-03-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

i fit in anywhere, and people treat me very nicely all the time.

but i don't feel like i belong in any of them.

why? purraps i don't want to belong. maybe. maybe.

dream diary 5

2009-03-10T03:55:00.000-07:00

i was walking towards a building.

with a purpose.
yes.
i was supposed to catch a mouse in the building.

and so i did. the mouse was in the ventilating unit of the basement,
and i caught it using a piece of gum in my pocket, and a metal cage.

it was a little grey mouse. young. around like my age if i were a mouse.
it was looking at me with its little black beads of its eyes through the rough wires of the cage.

and i felt deep remourse for the thing. i had to let it go, and the mouse looked back at me, and i looked at the mouse. but neither of us were intelligent enough to speak to the other.

i told my superiors that there were no mice in the building.
it was such a sad sight. animal in captivity always makes me sad.

maybe thats why im sad when i see people so caught up in their lives.

state of loss

2009-03-09T04:33:00.000-07:00

i don't seem to listen to music anymore.

neither do i read,

neither do i write.

verbal puke

2009-03-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

i cannot get rid of the nausea.

2009-02-21T11:46:00.001-08:00

i should sleep

honesty

2009-02-21T03:00:00.000-08:00

i
wonder
why is it so
difficult to be

honest.

why is it difficult to
show what we think
show what we're made out of
show what we feel about each other
show what we prioritise, or marginalize

i guess its because we know we must follow the rules
for the benefit of society, for a certain order to be placed in the system.
we cannot let our mind run free and affect, nor allow ourselves to be affected.

so we let ourselves be chained in our own minds, restrict ourselves in our cages
sew our mouths shut, plug our ears to all the pleasent sounds and music
glue our eyes shut to all the things that we want to see and look into
fix our feets deep into the ground so we stay in our little spot
and all we can do is make sounds that everyelse makes
and sometimes rattle our little cages, hoping
that something, somewhere will notice

as long as we stay in our cages
we cannot untie ourselves
but we truly are happy
in this sort of place.

we truly are
satisfied
in those
cages.

positive, negative.

2009-02-21T02:41:00.000-08:00

they say opposites attract, but is it true?

i mean, when i see a completely different person, i think "i probably have nothing common to talk with this one" and most of the times this is true. perhaps it is the similarities that brings prople together.

ah. who cares.

dream diary 4

2009-02-20T20:28:00.000-08:00

I was taming a tyger, in a large ruin in cambodia. probably because of "life of pi".

I was writing something on a little card outside someone's gate... it was a note of celebration, and i knew there were some kind of party going on inside. I wasn't invited, so i just went there to post a congrats note into the mail-box.
i heard all the happy voices inside, and i felt happy that people are happy and im successfully not intruding, for once.

I was talking to the devil. it was obvious he was one. he had a white suit, shite shirt, but something about him transcended a very black aura, and the whiteness of his appearence just fortified that fact. a visual irony.
"so," he said. "let us make some deals"
"what, are you going to buy my soul?" I replied.
"I am pretty glad that i have one. i never was too sure." I continued.

the devil hesitated a little. "I am sure. but hang on. i am still checking."
and then, he frowned, and disappeared.

"great." i said.

diving

2009-02-20T07:10:00.000-08:00

its funny looking at people screw up in lessons.

like driving lessons, diving lessons are full of strange people.

there is this indian lady who cannot swim at all, jumps into the water and literally drowns herself.
i have nothing to say.

there is this chinese girl who is kinda twiggy and tall, (quite pretty) who sleeps soundly while sitting down waiting for the instructor to turn up (i was sunbathing) and screws up every equipment given to her.
when she'd set up her oxygen tanks and stuff, she just screws everything in the wrong place. as soon as she turns the gas on, the oxygen leaks from everywhere. and she makes things worse, somehow. she cannot kick properly either.
i am evil so sometimes i help but mostly i just watch her make mistakes first.

there is this instructor who mercilessly pushes people down the ledge of the pool when she (everyone taking the class apart from me are female) is too slow.
she also tease people by comparing pop-quiz results. I got them all correct and a little girl says she is happy she got 10 correct, and the instructor waves my testpaper infront of her. (just for the sake of doing so)

there is me who packs things up really fast, and packs the instructor's stuff away too, leaving her looking for her fins for like 10mins untill she finally finds it. she'd be furious and i would shrug and say "my bad" like its not my bad. i don't care to be honest.

venus

2009-02-19T06:03:00.000-08:00

http://urasoku.blog106.fc2.com/blog-entry-620.html

Although the Venus de Milo is widely renowned for the mystery of her missing arms among people unfamiliar with any other incomplete Greek or Roman sculpture, some guy attemped to attach it some hands.

us japanese people have no life.

go dive

2009-02-18T05:40:00.000-08:00

well till Its 23rd, i will post stuff here, instead.

today, when i woke up, my mother said "you're going to go learn how to dive"

so i was like, "okay"

we went to a place called "diver's den" in PJ.

my mother brought some swimming attire without me knowing, and i was put to pool straightaway with all the tanks and others.

its no problem for me, since i was virtually raised in water, but why is my mom out of the water, looking at me?

she says "i am scared of deep sea. i will not dive". okay. when she says something, everything is fair. fair enough.
(unlike me, she is scared of many things. I, on the other hand, is scared of only one thing.....her.)

it was funny seeing all the other people struggling in the water.
its awesome to be able to be submerged all the time, and not have to float up and breathe.
so it was a good day.

although, i had a headache when i got out of water, and i had to nap till now.

and yes jason, i wore that tight swimming pants. have fun with your imagination.

boring

2009-02-15T18:37:00.000-08:00

when i talk, most of the time i bore people like hell.

perhaps when i am talking to first-time strangers its marginally better, but well. most of my conversations with friends only last around 3 syllables.

i wonder why.

i think i know why.

i do not have a unifying theme for me and the other to talk about.
its because i find certain things interesting to talk about, but most of the times its something normal people consider too trivial, too meaningless, or just plain weird. or just "depressing". (hint, hint.)

well, i do try to change my theme to fit others, but i fail miserably.
i cannot talk about things that i am superficially interested in.

the problem being i am actually interested in the people i talk to, but i fail to entertain them.

so what can i do to make myself interesting.

i resort to learning tricks, stunts, and doing sports.
but nobody does any of those around me, and people just look at me with a cold stare when i exhibit those things.

how ironic. a real life comedy.

pain recurrent

2009-02-15T06:53:00.000-08:00

i should really stop peeling my scabs.

sat2

2009-02-14T22:53:00.000-08:00

my sat2 results are here.

Biology M
740

Chemistry
730

Physics
760

funny. is this really over 800?

that make me score 95% in physics. funny considering i never studied for any of the SAT2 subjects, and that i studied physics the least amount.

Jason once said "so you're like me, the less you care the better you do", i guess you're right, jason. unfortunately. haha.

(than why am i failing in romantic relationships. i care so little)

i messaged Mr.Lim coz it might make him happy. here's the convo.

"Mr.Lim. i just recieved my SAT2 results. Bio Chem and Physics. Physics highest, 95%. Not so bad la IMU effect eh?"

and came reply-
"Good. Come back and study Physics. Its more suitable for you. with IMU effect still get 95. 100 without it. just joking. Congratulation"

my 2 heads

2009-02-14T22:18:00.001-08:00

i always say i believe that people are fundamentally unique, and each and everyone of us are isolated in our own world, where we always communicate through a filter we create by our minds.

but, this is a lie. I say this because its what i partially do believe, and it sounds like it makes sense.

however, it is still a lie because there is a part of me that really does not want to believe this, and i also realise there isn't anything in this world that is 100% certain. if people can evolve from monkeys and fly up into space, i see 2 people understanding each other... probable even.

i generally hold a seemingly pessimistic view of social interactions, and my actions are pretty passive.
i think this is due to the fact that i find this easier to get by, rather than expecting the others to understand me, i expect them not to. i never expect people to understand me. and i say (to myself) nobody will.

but a part of me do hope someone will understand me, and pretty much i have a person with 2 heads constantly contradicting each other, in my head.
but generally, my 2 heads are somehow getting along very well, due to the fact that they both don't really expect the other head to confirm to their idea. they try to respect the other's opinions.

perhaps it is only my inexperience that causes me to think this way. perhaps there will be a day, where one of the head will have to wither up and die, and the other head will take control. although, that remaining head will most certainly remourse for the loss of a dear friend.

now both heads are confused. we don't even know what we're talking about anymore. but perhaps understanding and misunderstanding can coincide.

cambodia, digress

2009-02-14T06:14:00.000-08:00

warning. probably depressing content

there were lots of things that touched my heart during my time in Cambodia.

one of them was this monkey i saw inside Angkor Wat.

you won't be able to see it clearly in this photo, but this monkey, she is holding something in her hand.

its a corpse of a baby monkey.

it was so small, so small that she could just hold it in one hand and most of it will be unseen,
and almost mummified. it has been probably a long time since she had her miscarriage and decided to carry her baby with her even after life has fled from it.

she was holding it all the time, when she was eating she would hold it using her hind-legs, and when she's climbing along the walls she would carry it with one of her hands.

(yes, i was watching the monkey for a long long time)

it made me think.

how we humans find separation with our loved ones so difficult, and so devastating, and the whole idea of maternal love.
that similar feelings are shared with this female monkey.

it made me think what she was thinking, at this point. maybe she knows its not alive anymore. it will never call for her when she leaves it somewhere, nor suck on her breasts. but the fact that she decided to keep her baby tells me something.

perhaps we would like to hold on to our memories even when we know its gone.

but is it such a wrong thing to do? people say "forget" but we all know its impossible.
what can we do to such devastation of the times of our lifes?

this monkey decided to take the baby with her anyplace she goes.
i guess its only fair that some of us follows suit. i don't think its such a wrong idea to hang onto something after its gone, as long as it dosen't pose a threat to one's life.

as a matter of fact, the female monkey looked healthy.

argh i don't know where i am going with this. perhaps i will think about it later in my life... i won't be able to forget about this particular monkey for a while.

happy valentine's day

2009-02-13T23:07:00.000-08:00

screw valentine's day. i want to shoot all the people holding hands.

dream diary 3 - nightmare

2009-02-13T14:24:00.000-08:00

i just had a dream
a nightmare, so specifically for me.

it was of me, in a midst of a friend's party
enjoying the people's joys, from a far
some faces i would never see them anymore
and i stay away from things that shine ever more
for i might go blind and disturb that shine

it was a nightmare, i tell you.
i am not afraid of the fact that i am alone,
i am afraid of myself, ready to accept this
treat it as a dream, which never will come back.

when i am so used to goodbyes,
and always ready to say, or hear it
how can i even say hello?

you tell me.

cambodia, 1st day2

2009-02-13T08:32:00.001-08:00

yes. now where were we...

yes. boat people.

the boat-ride was supposedly $10, but they said it was 20. 20 per person so $40. my mom said fuck you and we turned back. i noticed a beggar at the car window.
my mom noticed the beggar. screamed. the van driver and the guide, who looks like killers, gets freaked out by my mother.

im used to it.

anyway, the guide told us he could talk with the boat-guy to make it $10 per person, and he did.
to be honest, i think it is good that the boat-people barter and try to cheat us like that. the value of money for tourists and the boat-people are definitely different. they need to take advantage of tourists to make their lives better. but my mom hates things like that so.

it was the dry season in Cambodia so we didin't see much of the lake, but boat people were still there. there was a tourist attraction at the middle of the settlement, which is like a boat-crocodile farm.

the crocodiles, about the size of... 1.5 times me, were sort of drying themselves, their large mouths gaping open.

there were something black and worm-like wriggling in their mouths.

a kid with a piece of pumpkin threw that piece directly onto the crocodile's torso.
how would you fucking like it if i threw stuff at you, kid.

we stayed a while at the on-lake crocodile farm, and we went back.

there were some kids with fishing nets at the coasts of the lake.

and we went to the hotel, checked our stuff in and sorts, and had a 3-hour break.
during the 3-hour break my mom decides to get a massage near the hotel, so we did.

i personally feel very uncomfortable getting massaged. especially when the massager is a young female one. i feel kind of like, sorry for her. she was kind of pretty too so imagine my unconfort.
i think she was freaked out when she stretched my arm backwards. there was an uneasy laugh as my arm kind of flopped back. i happen to be pretty flexy.

what is with Cambodian people, though.
they look at me.
probably not because im a tourist, because i've seen tourist walk around, and people don't look at them. they look at me though. like im the tourist attraction. the tourists don't mind me.
when i smile at them, they look more intensely. very few smiles back.

i think i freak them out. somehow.

this feeling continues throughout the trip. the people there treat me differently from other tourists. they treat my mom normally, though.

mistakes - realise

2009-02-12T11:26:00.001-08:00

everyone is bound to make mistakes.

every mistake made, we can regret.
we can correct ourselves once we regret.

every regret made, we realise how hard it is to learn from mistakes.
we can become tolerant to people's mistakes.

every people's mistakes we see, we realise how difficult it is to tolerate them
we can understand people's lack of tolerance.

every people's lack of tolerance we see, we know how complicated it is to communicate
we can try to improve on our communication.

every failure to communicate, we know just how we live, in contradiction and misunderstanding.
we can convince ourselves to think that others may not mean to harm you.

every mistake made, every failure could be made a key to open new doors.
I just have to change my point of view, and I will be seeing things clearly, and most of the times, better.

cambodia, 1st day

2009-02-12T04:51:00.000-08:00

woke up 4-oclock.
no, i didin't wake up actually. i never slept.

took a taxi to LCCT, a taxi ride worth RM90.

took a plane. air-asia. awesome airline company.

we have to queue, but this white dude just cut in, so i told him "do you realise we're all queuing?" but he just shrugged me off, so i placed a chewing gum on his back-pack.
its always not a good idea to piss people off. i thought. you never know who would place a chewing gum on the back of your back-pack.

the air-stewardess was dancing to the blue-song
(i don't know the title. its like an old disco song. "I-m-livin-in-a-wo-do-da-blu-da-da-da-din-da-da-di-du-du-da-di-du-du-dann" kinda thing.)
when we were boarding and she had time on her hands.
they were telling each other how their uniform is getting tight (i know what they mean. they're trying to say the other is getting fat)
and so on.

my mom was saying something along the lines of how excited she was to be able to go away for a change and so on, but i wasn't listening. i just replied with some very whole-hearted-sounding-something.

so, i slept a little, and bang i reached Siam reap, Cambodia.

the customs lady laughed at my name. or my face. i don't know.
so i just smiled. "Oh-kun" i said. it means thank you. its the only word i learnt, and i used it more than a hundred times in this trip.

sooo, i found our guide (we planned our trip to be 3day-guided, 3day-free trip) at the airport exit, and drove thru Siam Reap. the driver and the guide looked like a killer, but i don't judge by people's looks so it meant nothing.

its a lovely place, really. the people are more human than anyone i've met.
they always ride bikes and bicycles in pairs, riding slowly, talking, and stuff. you see a house, and there is always like some naked kids running around with the brightest smile on their face. and some older siblings taking care of them. its a truly heart-warming sight. they all look happy.
i've never even seen drug-addicts that happy when they're high.

the cambodian cars run in the middle of the road. they horn like 5 times a second. really. its to warn the millions of kids, motorcycles, walkers and bicycles to fuck off the street. it dosen't really work, so they always drive in the middle of the lane-divider.
i asked the driver how many people he had hit.
"only 3"
he said.
"3 a year"

so, we went to like, a boat-people's estate, where all the boat-people live.

it was kind of heart-breaking. its because they're so poor, wearing rags (literally) and sort of trudging along the mud for contaminated fish. they have like a boat-school but it looks ill-equipped.
i never had the heart to take photos of them, these people deserve a dignity, they shouldn't be treated like a tourist attraction.

another thing that sort of affected me, was this paediatric hospital which had like 5 thousand people waiting outside, with a small child in their arms. apparently they treat kids for free, but they have to wait for days, and quite often they die while waiting. they only have like a few doctors, and their supplies are limited.
the supplies are supposedly being given to them by UNESCO and UN and all that NGOs which give generous donations to poor parts of the country, but what happens is, that these things must pass thru the govnernment, and the moment it does, its being sold in the black-market the next night.

it really grinds your heart, when you see this kind of thing happening, and you cannot do anything about it.

"good country, bad policy" says the guide.

it really makes me feel like coming back here after becoming a doctor... if it helps. I never tell this to my mother, naturally. she wants me to be happy. and being a poor doctor in a poor country being married to a job is not quite the idea of happy for her.

however it dosen't mean that all hopes are gone in this country. you'd see things like "Cambodian people's party" which functions as like a school, orphanage, and everything else a child needs. the people are ready to change.

i was going to post about tourist attraction but i guess the situation of those stuff strikes a clearer image in my mind... well i'll leave it here at this moment.

dream diary 2

2009-02-12T04:39:00.000-08:00

"you know, there are only 2 things in this world"
"2, what?"
"a harsh truth, and a warm lie"
"there must be a warm truth, somewhere"
"that is called an illusion."
"an illusion... what is a harsh lie, than?"
"no lie is harsher than truth"

"than this must be a harsh illusion"

antibiotic dosen't work

2009-02-06T10:12:00.000-08:00

there is something on my skin that is killing me.

it hurts like hell. itches like hell too. i can manage the pain and itch individually but when both comes together i cannot stand. i'm forced to tremble because i cannot do anything else.

this must be a punishment of sorts.

well im fucking enjoying it. try harder!

trip

2009-02-06T08:25:00.000-08:00

yes. i was totally awake all evening. i never slept between 6 and now.

anyway, ill be off to Russia 4 hours after this, (no, certainly not Cambodia)

i'll have lots of fun since i'm with my mom.

i'll upload photos. yes, i sure would. when i hobble back here only on one foot (because i'll just try stepping on some of the mines still buried aronud there for sport).

tag

2009-02-05T20:55:00.000-08:00

i wasn't really tagged, but ill do it anyway. i do have a tight schedule of work and social meetings, but i also need to relax a bit. im also a freaking busybody, thats why.

20 things about me.

i collect something.

i have very few hobbies. well, afterall i don't have free time.

i don't like people. they make me sick but i like to bother them. yes. i don't really care about people's feelings.

i love myself. me me me.

i'm happy all the time. look at me, i am smiling all the time aren't i?

i'm sad all the time. well, all those depressing comments aren't for show.

i have accidentally murdered someone, but its not an experience i would want to repeat.

i watch tv a lot. yes. i realise it rips me of my imaginations. i don't read either.

i don't play any instruments. i know i have talent though.

i'm totally healthy. i don't even has asthma.

i don't like nature. i like to burn down trees. for fun.

i wouldn't do dangerous things. gasoline? what the hell is that?

i am never angry.

i am a nice person. especially if you're mean to me.

Internet is probably bad for me. it has no good informations in it.

i don't like conversations, i hate listening, but i like talking.

i am very conservative. uh-huh.

did anyone say "school"? i hate school.

i'm really homophobic.

i really hope nobody will do this tag. because i only want to know about myself and never anyone else.

you don't have to read the disclaimer.

international driving permit

2009-02-05T20:42:00.000-08:00

certainly, today wasn't the 3rd day of trying to get an international licence, and its nothing to do with me going to Cambodia.
I mean, who would drive a car in a foreign country.

it was no trouble at all getting this... piece of notebook that is "international driving permit".
no trouble at all.
i never needed to wait a total of 7 hours 45 minuites, most of them for vain, never needed unexpected documentations, and never needed to alter my actual licence.

it was so entertaining, that i didin't even need a book.
the photos i took at the JPJ was the worst ones i ever took.

it was funny how the employees in JPJ would alter their working intencity according to the amount of people in there. they would clip their nails and stare blankly at space during the morning, and skip people's numbers in the afternoon where supposedly no.703 had to go to the counter in 2 seconds before the number on the monitor changes to 704 *ding-dong*

well, im the most impatient person, but it wasn't enough to make me stir in my seat.

i want to dispose this permit right away. i don't like the colour of it.

lies, lies, lies.

2009-02-05T20:41:00.001-08:00

this blog will only contain lies.

nobody should under any circumstances, take any of the things in this blog as truth.